African American Marriage Success Tips

“And they lived happily ever after.”

The traditional happy conclusion of a fairy tale seems to be nothing more than a dream in our modern period, when a greater proportion of marriages terminate in divorce. Is it conceivable or even realistic for a couple to be connected by anything other than a bank account, a mortgage, or a king bed in our fast-paced society?

Whether you are getting ready to “jump the broom” or your wedding is already a distant memory, it is not only possible but also more natural to live in a state of shared bliss and reverence for each other than to live in conditions that are centred on one’s own ego. This is true whether or not you have already tied the knot. A partnership that is established on inner spiritual ideals has the potential to deepen in loving connection throughout the course of time. This is a significant element that ties the two of you together; in other words, it is a “knot that binds” the two of you.

There has been a lot of emphasis placed on material situations, and as a result, many couples still approach their relationships with the primary focus being on power, acquisition, and just getting through each day. Living scenarios based on uncertainty, fear, desiring more of what one does not have, and always searching for one person to be “correct” are examples of this. If you base your activities on obtaining a larger home, a nicer automobile, more money, and even the most attractive children, you are doomed to remain on an unending voyage of trying, but you will never arrive at a place of genuine satisfaction. On the other hand, this may be countered by adhering to principles that are based on one’s inner or spiritual self.

Going to church or engaging in any other kind of religious expression is not required to have a marriage that is oriented on the spiritual. Worship and prayer are examples of the kinds of things that might be included in spirituality; nevertheless, there is much more to it than that. Spirituality is an attitude, a state of mind, which impacts everything that you are and do, according to the definition provided by Webster’s dictionary. The cultivation of unconditional love and acceptance of one’s spouse while simultaneously expressing one’s own higher (non-ego-centered) self is the central tenet of a marriage that is founded on spiritual principles. You both contribute without expecting anything in return or having any intention of staking your claim on the connection in any specific manner. There is no servitude; rather, there is freedom. Therefore, the potential to improve your marriage is already inside you; all you need to do is discover more about who you are as a spiritual being.

When you avoid adopting a “what’s-in-it-for-me” mentality (so stop calling him a “nice catch!”), you show that you are not motivated by self-interest. The advantages of this kind of partnership will become more clear after you make giving and living in a manner that is free of judgement your primary emphasis.

In their book, “The Marriage Spirit,” Evelyn and Paul Moschetta write that the “highest purpose you can share as a couple is helping each other look inward and know your true spiritual self.” “The highest purpose you can share as a couple is helping each other look inward and know your true spiritual self,” When one person connects to another in a married relationship, the journey is shared, yet this does not reduce the individual unfoldings that each partner experiences. At this point, you must extinguish the single light that represents the self and make room for the unending stream of the inner spirit to shine through you and onto the person you hold dear. It is essential that you have the understanding that the reason you are in this relationship is to facilitate the development of your inner self, so generating a new vibration between the two of you.

Iyanla Vanzant, a spiritual teacher, writes in her book In the Meantime that she likes to remind couples that marriage is a process that involves two people, and that throughout that journey “you are together for the growth of your souls, generating a whole new vibration between the two of you.”

Your journey as a partnership is not going to start until one of you has finished your own personal work as a spiritual being first. It is of the utmost significance to recognise that everything you need to develop a connection based on the soul is already there inside yourself. YOU are the affection and companionship that you’ve been looking for all along. YOU are the totality of yourself; YOU are your own wholeness. YOU CANNOT find and experience marital pleasure by waiting for the other person to change before you can do so of your own own. In addition, being spiritual is not something that can be “learned,” like skating or using a microwave. To strengthen the union, each member must demonstrate their dedication to the “do-it-yourself” approach by actively participating in the activities. Your state of mind is the starting and finishing point of everything.

Kephra Burns writes in Confirmations, his collection of positive maxims, that “Preachers may preach, and gurus can advise, but we must conduct the quest ourselves… expose ourselves to a higher awareness.”

Keep in mind that you and your spouse will always be individuals first and foremost, each capable of giving a great deal of love. Therefore, being married provides the chance for the two of you to develop an infinite love that you both share. To this end, your own spiritual self is the spark that may shift your relationship from what it has been to what you want it to be. In other words, you have the power to make this transformation.

In her book, Lessons in Loving, the editor of Essence magazine, Susan L. Taylor, argues that “our relationships are our holy obligations, because they are the framework within which life is lived.”

Having an understanding of the principles and principles will not bring about the changes or the pleasure that you want. The only approach is to maintain an awake state and actively engage in constructive practises. The following are some recommendations for obtaining this way of life.

  1. Could you kindly be quiet? Make sure you give yourself some time every day to be alone and tune in to your own thoughts and feelings. You may envision in your mind how you want your relationship to be by engaging in practises like meditation, relaxation, and visualisation. These activities assist you tremendously to instil that inner negative conversation and allow you to visualise how you want your relationship to be. You will hear instruction that is coming to you that is driven out of love, and it will teach you how to come more from an attitude of service, rather than an attitude of slavery, while you are in the stillness.
  2. Slow down. In our society that moves at such a rapid pace, it appears as if we are always going someplace or doing something, yet we never really “arrive” at our destination. This never-ending treadmill may provide the impression that one is making progress, but in truth, it is only an unending pursuit that can never be fulfilled. “Take time to pause and smell the flowers,” as the common expression goes, couldn’t be more appropriate. Being able to create an environment of real living and not relying only on external cues to guide one’s actions is one of the benefits that comes from cultivating the skill of learning to live in the present moment.
  3. Nurture your spirit. Your mind, like a finely tuned instrument, has to be regularly filled with inspiring materials that will raise you up, and in turn, improve your relationship. These materials may be found in many different places and can be found in many different forms. Your marriage is a reflection of both your acts and your emotions, much like a mirror. Being spiritually conscious also entails being in a state of perpetual education and growth. Your mental health may be improved and your relationship can be strengthened by engaging in activities such as listening to motivational recordings and reading books on wisdom. Keeping a diary may also assist you in being more aware of your sentiments and how they manifest themselves in your life. The method of monitoring oneself teaches you how to fight against giving in to the urge to let your ego take the lead. (For a list of recommended reading, see the list that follows this page.)
  4. Engage in acts of love and charity. When you concentrate on the positive qualities that your partner has and keep those qualities in the forefront of your mind, you are behaving from your Higher Self. There is no place for pointing fingers or finding fault in this situation. It is not one’s grandiose gestures that are important; rather, it is the little courtesies that show consideration for others. You do not need to be subservient or act like a slave to your partner; you can be of service to them.
  5. Witness. Rather than responding as if on autopilot, the act of witnessing is simply and objectively seeing what is taking place, as opposed to engaging in analysis or confrontation of the situation. It’s a moment-to-moment awareness that helps you hone your observational skills about yourself and the environment around you. Being a witness requires maintaining objectivity and detachment from the events taking place around you. For someone with a survival mindset, the insecurity of their ego will cause them to believe all kinds of untrue things. To be a witness does not imply that you will be emotionless; rather, it means that you will be liberated from the paralysing sensations of reliance, fear, and worry.
  6. Pray. As was said before, formal religion and spirituality are not synonymous terms; yet, enhancing one’s sense of connectivity to a greater Universe by expressing oneself via traditional forms of worship might help one become more conscious of this connection. The act of asking for and then actively listening for direction is the essence of what we mean when we talk about praying. This is an inner dialogue with a higher Spirit, and it does not matter if you use well-known lines that have previously been written or whether you just speak from the heart. When you pray, you are not appealing for another person to change; rather, you are asking God to help you live more in accordance with your Higher Self.
  7. Pay Attention to Your Mother (Nature, that is). The greatest method to cultivate a sense of wonder and enthusiasm for life is to develop an appreciation for the natural world that surrounds you. This is the case regardless of whether or not you are hooked into the cyber world. This has the potential to teach you vital lessons and encourage you to become more reflective and loving of peace. Taking walks along quiet paths, strolling along a beach with the sand in your toes, watching a butterfly, noticing the patterns of the water in a lake, ocean, or river, gazing at mountains, observing a sunrise or sunset, or even “listening” to the silence are all examples of activities that can be shared with others or enjoyed alone. This will further strengthen the connection that you have with your true self inside you. As you put these suggestions into practise, don’t forget to bear in mind that the goal of your search to live in a marriage based on spirit is truly to have the Higher Self decide the day-to-day choices of your life rather than letting the ego rule your existence. You already possess the knowledge and wisdom required to answer your questions.

You only need to put in the request.

There is an abundance of written materials, as well as videos and tapes available to help you discover and nurture your spiritual dimension. Here are a few to get you started:

  • Burns, Kephra and Susan Taylor. Confirmation: The Spiritual Wisdom That Has Shaped Our Lives, New York: Anchor Books, 1997.
  • Chopra, Deepak. The Path To Love, New York: Harmony Books, 1997
  • Dyer, Wayne. Real Magic, New York: HarperCollins, 1992
  • Louden, Jennifer. The Couples Comfort Book, New York: HarperCollins, 1994
  • Moschetta, Evelyn and Paul. The Marriage Spirit, New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998
  • Osho. Meditation: The First and Last Freedom, New York: St. Martin’s, 1996
  • St. James, Elaine. Inner Simplicity, 1996
  • Taylor, Susan L. Lessons In Living, New York: Anchor Books, 1996
  • Vanzant, Iyanla. In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want, New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998
  • Vanzant, Iyanla. Tapping the Power Within, Publishers Group West, 1992

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